Restart
by soulXover
Summary: If you could, would you restart? How will you feel if you lost your happiness? The world is black and white in my eyes, the sound of laughter is the sound of someone crying through my ears. I lost the will to live, the will to talk, I shut myself out of this world and there's no one who can open it, until I met him; the guy who made me happy again, the guy who can me me smile.


_[oo]_

_If you could, would you restart?_

* * *

His heart beat is steady, yet his life is slipping away. Maybe if I pull out the sword out of his body he will stay in this world, I just don't want him to leave my side; he saved me so it's only natural that I should save him, right?

"Kai, he whispers to me while I hold him in my arms, "Don't cry, don't be sad, continue to live, live a happy life with no regret."

His lip forms into a smile as he struggles to raise his hand to my eye; he slowly moves my bangs that cover my left eye away. He looks at my red eye then to my blue eye. He wipes my tears away and makes a bigger smile.

"You should stop hiding those eyes," he coughs out, "Everyone will still like you, it's not the past anymore."

Of course, he's still trying to make me reveal my red eye. In his last few minutes, he's still trying to help me, "Think for yourself for once," I make a laugh through all my tears, "Please don't die," my voice suddenly gets quieter and serious.

His hand slides to my heart, "I'll always be here," he points to my heart, "Always."

We both stay quiet and look at each other in the eye. My hand strokes the hilt of the sword in his stomach. The tears can't stop coming out of my eyes when I think of him not being by my side anymore. I just wish we can just stay here, not go into the future, not worry about anything, and not leave each other, however, we both know that the future will always come.

I look around; the scenery is absolutely beautiful, even if he's dying. We're surrounded by the vast summer forest. I look up to the cloud covered sky, blue and white are the only colors visible, I raise my hand into the air and close my eyes to listen to the chirp of the cicada's singing.

"It's beautiful, isn't it, taichou?" I look down to him, he's currently struggling to breathe, my eyes look at him with despair.

"Yeah," he whispers as his eyes slowly close, "Kai, don't forget-"

Before he can finish his soul disappears out of his body, my tears fall more and more, quicker and quicker.

"Taichou…. Bye," I whisper and slowly stroke his hair. His head is still on my lap when I quickly take out the sword in his body. I sigh and lift his head, then drop it onto the ground. His body turns into a million sakura petals that dance in the wind. My hands continue to shake as I head back to sereitei. A tear drops every time I think of how I am going to survive without him. I use the back of my hand to wipe off my tears while I think of my life after today.

My lips curve into a smile, "I can't, it's impossible without him; it's funny to even think that I can continue to act happy! I wonder how long I can take this suffering, one month? Or maybe only a week? It's impossible to act like the way I was before," I whisper to myself as I come to a halt, "Maybe, I should die too."

Even if I want to die, I can't, he told me to live, I will respect his last with, I will continue to live, I'll continue to act happy, I'll act just for him.

The door to the head-captain's office opens, inside, the head-captain, the fifth squad captain, and the fourth squad captain, are all either standing or sitting behind the desk.

"Where is Keiji-taichou?" the head-captain's voice pounds against my ears. I can't bring my voice out, so I only mouth the words. Three single unsaid words made the room absolutely quiet. The sound of the birds can even be heard.

"Kai, you gonna be okay?" Hirako's question made me break into tears.

"I don't know, I don't know!" I keep repeating these words as I fall onto my knees. I cup my hand over my face as I see the head-captain nod to the two other captains. They flash step towards me and Hirako knocks me unconscious. I can still feel someone carrying to somewhere, probably the hospital.

**TWO WEEKS LATER**

I stare at the window inside my hospital room; while I lean against my bed I can see my eyes. Today, both of my eyes are showing, however they look like they lost color, just like how I lost my voice, just like how I lost happiness. It's been two weeks since I ever talked, and since then Hirako visits me every day, he talks to me and I just simply stare at the window, pretending to listen. I hear a knock on my door. I switch my gaze to the door and I see Hirako coming in again.

"Hey," he says while he walks to the stool beside the window, "Feel like talking today?"

I shake my head, it's not that I don't want to talk; I just can't bring myself to talk. For me, everyday seems like Hell, it's like all this suffering is making me choke; I have no choice but to not talk. It's like I've shut myself away from this world, only he can save me.

Hirako sighs, "Kai, it's already been two weeks, your squad already lost a captain, and now their vice-captain can't talk and can't get out of bed."

I look at him in the eye and make an expression to say 'I know I'm sorry I'm a failure…' he sighs again, "You should at least eat," he's right, I've never taken a bite at any food and I realize that I've lost a lot of weight, "I'll go get you something to eat."

He leaves the room and closes the door; my eyes once again switch to the window. Outside, the world seems happy; the summer air is still around, the birds are chirping non-stop, everyone is talking, but I'm stuck in here, waiting for an impossible miracle to happen, I'm waiting for him to come back, to walk in the door with a smile.

I push the blanket away and slide off my bed. I walk to my window, bare-foot, then I force myself to smile as I gently touch the window. I can't take it anymore, I have to leave now, I just need to leave sereitei, there are too many painful memories, there's just too much things that are choking me! I put on my uniform and limp out of the fourth squad and head to the twelfth squad.

I knock on Hikufune-san's office door. A woman opens the door and smiles at me, "Kai, are you feeling better? What do you need?"

I point to her prototype of a gigai, and then I walk over to her desk and write down some words.

_I'm going to leave, I can't take it anymore, so please lend me your gigai, I want to go to the world of the living._

She looks at me with a depressed look, "So it comes to this…" she sighs and walks to her clear giant tube, she opens the tube as all the green liquid inside gets sucked into another tube connected to that one. Hikifune takes the gigai and passes it over to me, "Here, Kai, don't forget, everything happens for a reason, your captain's death is for your sake too, it may not be good right now but it will be in the future."

I make a small smile and flash step out. She's been so nice to me, she always gave me advice, always being here when I need her, but now no one can save me, no one can save me from this dark abyss of despair. When I was about to walk away she quickly stops me with her voice, "Kai, come back to visit us someday!" her voice made a tear drop, but in my last few moments here I don't want her to see me cry. I hear her voice being on the edge of crying, we both know that I won't ever come back, I will never ever see anyone here again, from now on, I will not burden anyone with my ability to not talk. I will restart new, restart fresh, act like nothing terrible happened.

I head to the gate that separates our two worlds, I look back one last time and close my eyes, "I pray for everyone's happiness, I hope they can live until they have no regrets, I hope that my pain I'm feeling now never affects them," I open my eyes and walk through the gate, "Good-bye."

[00]

[END]

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Hallo! 3 This fanfic is for my friend who got mental illness, she's currently depressed and very self- conscience, so i made a fanciction just for her, cuz people always say that 'Love conquers all'


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